THE TRUTH BEHIND MALE LONELINESS
Is the cure just thugging it out?
THE MYTH
To be honest as a 25-year-old man, I get lonely.
Lonely to the point where there is this empty feeling in my heart ( chest ) that I tend to feel almost every day, but can’t seem to pinpoint. Being this young as a guy, I think the expectation is to either have your head down in the weeds reaching for the mountaintop of your career or be surrounded by so many people ( digitally and physically ) that loneliness doesn’t cross your mind. I’m in the party of the former.
Something I must express: male loneliness is not about the lack of sex. It’s the lack of connection.
I believe this concept negates leaning towards one race, sexual orientation, or political stance. I believe this is a male issue.
I’ve expressed this through many phone calls and deep talks — I work. I work hard. Running around from 6 am to 10 pm almost every day checking off a to-do list that at times seems unattainable. Wake Up. Workout. Film. Meeting. Film. Edit. Oh shit, eat. Meeting. Shower. Knockout. Day in and day out. This to-do list keeps me busy, but that “ empty feeling “ in my heart is still felt throughout the day. No matter how packed my calendar is it feels it.
There was always this myth I believe that said that work / your craft is all you need. It’s something I fantasized about so much - being the lone wolf & the mad artist who is content with just me and my work. That’s what defines me as a “ genius “. I always fantasized about one scene from the 2014 Movie Whiplash by Damien Chazelle. Andrew ( the main character ) is so obsessed with his craft and his strive to be great that he breaks up with his girlfriend - going down a list of predictions that would result in a complete obliteration of his relationship.
Throughout the film, Andrew continues to fall into this state of isolation. I always wondered what were the late nights like. The nights when he pushed himself to exhaustion only to crawl into a cold empty bed with nothing but his thoughts. How did he feel? With it being one of my favorite films.
To this day I do the same thing.
I crawled into a bed exhausted and mentally beaten from the day only to lay with my thoughts and an emptiness in my heart. Going to patronize a myth that I watched and was told would satisfy me only to leave me lonely and emotionally / physically deprived.
At times I do think was Andrew’s girlfriend the buffer between this myth and reality?
THE BUFFER
For me, my relationship with my ex was “ the buffer “.
This imaginary line between the myth of overconsumption of work/loneliness and the real world. It was as if she had this imaginary rope that pulled me from that lonesome world to experience and appreciate the real life I have now.
I can’t help but acknowledge that I got comfortable in the companionship. Long forgetting the feeling of loneliness that came with the friend breakups, the embarrassing moments in life, or just the loneliness that came from growth in general. She was the buffer. The pillow that cushioned my fall. The heart that was intertwined with mine … and when I lost that I fell hard. When I look back loneliness was always there, peering through the closets and into the corridors of my heart waiting for the perfect moment to find a doorway in. That breakup was its way in.
It gifted my heart with every emotion that came wrapped within loneliness - anger, sadness, lust, greed, and pride. Each of these has its special place and I honestly believe was like a lion ( myself ) being tamed by a lamb ( my previous relationship ).
What’s the buffer now? Nothing.
I’d be lying if I said I grew this buffer within myself and built up the restraint to resist this myth. I’m still struggling. So what do you do when you don’t have that buffer — you dive deeper into the thing that was giving you comfort before you had it? For me it’s work. I need to make more videos, I need to write more, I need to work out more, and I need to push myself to exhaustion so I don’t feel the monster that’s currently in my heart.
I want nothing more than to have that buffer again - the downside of the yearning feeling is the creation of desperation. Allowing anyone and everyone in for the sake of companionship. Allowing the toxicity and the drama all for the sake of “warmth”. This has been a moment of growth for me because some days I am lonely… so lonely that I can’t help but fantasize about a hug, hanging with friends or just laughing without a care in the world.
I yearn for that buffer but it’s my job to create that and regulate it for myself. If I don’t I fall back into the same abyss that I’m pulling myself out of.
THE REBUTTAL
“ Maybe you should just try smiling more “
I went down a male lonleliness rabbit hole on Youtube and Tiktok. I must say I was disgusted by the comments I saw.
“ Maybe these men should just off themselves - it’ll be one less man here “ - Tiktok User
“ why do some men always blame someone else for THEIR problems THEY created💀…. “ Tiktok User
“ They’re insufferable beings to be with not our fault🤷🏻♀️ “ - Tiktok User
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The line of going against these rebuttals can easily turn into blaming women for “ not caring “ based on what these comments are stating. That’s not my stance — my stance is saying that this is real. Hence I believe this tension has a pipeline directly to the red pill movement. Men preaching from the mountaintops that they detest women — all the while ( unbeknownst to them ) show their insecurity. These platforms are a sign of male loneliness. A lack of self-awareness. A lack of love.
Nonetheless, there are rebuttals on both sides.
I can’t say I blame them because both have been wronged. Each side holds a list of transgressions that have left years of unattended wounds. Invalidated. Abused. Thrown by the wayside.
Amidst these rebuttals, I believe it pushes men to hide in themselves more. Close off from the world and become lonely. Feeling as if there is no outlet, no hope, and no redemption. Ironically, this is even with a partner / close friend. The physicality of this problem doesn’t seem to be the root.
As a man if there is no connection even after the announcement of this issue then what is there to do?
THE CURE
Thug it out.
This whole piece started from a meme with asked the question, “ Is the cure to male loneliness … thugging the shit out” with an oversaturated photo of Kanye West. After all of this thinking and experience, I thought I would have it all together and present the answer in the post.
I don’t know the answer. If I’m being honest I’m feeling this loneliness as I sit in this dark room writing. That feeling of emptiness is coming over me once again. I mentioned earlier in this post how this loneliness breeds anger, sadness, lust, greed, and pride.
Anger - the rage of feeling loneliness.
Sadness - the heart's emptiness - the longing for someone/anyone to be there for me.
Lust - the mask of physical desire that loneliness brings. Yearning for intimacy and connection, but settling for a quick fix ( sex ).
Greed - Thinking money and things will garner me the attention I desire. Another quick fix. OR hoarding relationships to never feel lonely. Holding as many bodies as I can.
Pride - being so prideful outwardly that I exclaim that I need “ me, myself and I “, but being the total opposite behind closed doors. Wanting to feel something or anything.
All of these attributes are masks.
If I were to offer something that leans towards a cure - it would be to experience yourself and know yourself.
I’m talking to myself at this point. I have to truly know who I am, and how I need to show up for myself and experience myself without expectation to rid myself of this loneliness.
How many can say they truly know who they are? Outside of the bills and career attached. Outside of the talents and accolades. Outside of the romantic rosters and hookups.
Can I sit with myself and be content? Up until recently, my answer has been no.
The women showed that I was desirable. The accolades showed that I was good enough. The career showed I had a purpose.
I viewed these things as an antidote to a poison I put off for way too long. Decaying every facet of my life with minimal attention.
But this antidote might be me.